Several years ago a conference talk given by Joseph B. Wirthlin really impacted me.  It was titled "Come What May and Love it" Which at the time was a great strength to me in dealing with everything Bailee was doing.  I knew that the Lord had given me this bright, strong, determined little girl to watch over, care for and teach.  But I didn't know how to do that with her and she did so many things that were frustrating, dangerous and just plain naughty.  But when I heard that talk I knew I needed to change my attitude to "Come what may and love it" and love her for it as well. It was hard but so worth it to when I finally accepted the situation and learned to love it.  Since then it that has been my motto and as hard things have come I would always come back to that phrase to get me through trials.  But I have to admit it has been very difficult lately for me to do that.  Ever since Justin graduated with his Masters life has presented several challenges.  The rejection, uncertainty and the constant worry of what are to do now or how are we going to make it has been a constant burden.  The unexpected struggles of an adviser who is not only dishonest but unwilling to help Justin has severely impacted his school and future.  What we thought was an answer to a prayer has turned into more heartache.  Its sad to say but I stopped praying because it seemed like everything we prayed for was either ignored or we were given the opposite.  Something promising would come along and as quickly as it came it would go, only staying around long enough to get our hopes up.  I started to feel that my Heavenly Father didn't care about us and was punishing us. The wounds grew even deeper when it seemed like everyone around us was moving forward and things were coming so easily for them.  After struggling with this for almost 3 years now we started to think it isn't fair, why us,when is going to be our turn to have something good happen. It was a very dark and hopeless place for me to be in and at times a felt as though I was hanging by a thread and instead of letting things come and loving it, I had the attitude of bad things always happen to us and I don't care anymore.

 I am not saying any of this to complain or make people feel sorry for us, this is how I felt and since this is pretty much my journal I wanted to write it down so when similar trials come I can look back and remember these experiences. 

I heard that with hurricanes it is in the eye of the storm where things are the most peaceful. We have been in a constant storm and I have been in it fighting it every step of the way, until recently .  The Lord has led me to the eye of the storm and it is a wonderful place to be.  Because even though things around me are still swirling and there is so much uncertainty and we have huge decisions to make, I am at peace. I have no idea what will happen next but the fear and anger and hurt are gone.  All I can feel is love,comfort and hope.

I read a conference talk that my mother suggested and found this quote to be very helpful.

 "Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to become more and more Christlike.  Our trials come in many forms, but each will allow us to become more like the Savior as we learn to recognize the good that comes from each experience.  As we understand this doctrine, we gain greater assurance of our Father's love.  We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we can feel confident that we can grow from the experience."

I know that through this experience I have learned so much and my testimony has grown because of it, so   much more than if things would have worked out perfectly like we wanted. My reliance on the Lord has increased, because nothing is in our hands only his. I felt the love, prayers and faith of those around us and have been partakers of their generosity. I have truly felt the love of the Lord and I know that he has felt as I have.  I have a greater testimony of tithing, it is such a small amount of money to pay for such great blessings. That has always been a constant for me that I knew if we paid our tithing we would be taken care of and we always have. I have learned that sometimes in life when in the middle of a trail we are asked to take that leap of faith, without any certainty of earthly blessings at the end. But that leap of faith will always include spiritual blessings.

The most wonderful and frustrating thing about life it we don't know what lies ahead.  We constantly have different paths to choose from, never knowing where they lead.  But even though we may not know our Heavenly Father does and he knows which path is the best for us.  Sometimes the road is long and bumpy, but those are the roads in life that can be less traveled but have the greatest blessings in the end.  I am grateful to Lord for this long, long road that we have been on.  Some days it can really suck, but other days it can be so empowering.  I can now say that I am willing to take this road as long as the Lord sees fit, so that I may learn and grow and become the person I need to be.